ready, set, go. {& thoughts on impending motherhood}

I think the last month of pregnancy goes by more slowly than the previous eight. It's a wonderful time of relishing the moments I have with Kyle and preparing for Jackson's arrival, coupled with the complete and total uncomfortableness of being a walking whale and having my skin stretched beyond reason. I've been so blessed with an uneventful and uncomplicated pregnancy, but even at best, pregnancy has tested my physical and mental limits and endurance.

In the last week, I've found this inner realization of being READY. Even for the challenge and sure pain of labor. I'm to a point of "bring it on"! The intensity of delivery, the joy of having Jackson in our arms, the adjustment to sustaining a life, learning to breastfeed, and yes, even the sleepless nights and dirty diapers. God promises to give us exactly what we require to do what He calls us to and I am ready to see His grace in action in this new adventure.

Believe me, lest I come across as cocky - I know that this is going to be a BIG adjustment, a MASSIVE challenge and that I will probably, at some point, wish to "return to sender" my dear boy. But sometimes, you just know that something is right, no matter how hard or big it is, and that you are particularly equipped by a BIG God to do exactly that thing. No matter how bad is scares you because you have no earthly idea how it is going to work. For whatever reason, God has chosen me to be Jack's mommy and for Kyle to be Jack's daddy and relying on His strength and wisdom alone (along with wisdom He has given to lots of helpful people in our lives), we can do this parenting thing.

I know for sure that there will be many, many days that I tell God, "I can't do this!" I am certain there will be moments where I just want to cry right along with my son as he wails about who-knows-what. But I am equally sure that there will be many moments of joy, laughter, and sweetness. And really, at the end of my life, will I remember the dreadful days of teething baby and cranky toddler that refuses to obey? I doubt it. I imagine that those memories will be eclipsed by happy moments of running in the sprinkler and eating popsicles in the summer breeze.

Perhaps I am an idealist, or just have too much faith in the Lord I love and know, but I think this (becoming a mom) is going to be a Very Good Thing in my life. I so want to live and mother intentionally and with much joy. To snatch up each moment and worship the Creator of this little life. To look to Jesus for strength and joy when I do not want to be a mom anymore.

Thankfully, I have many, many wonderful women in my life that have walked this road or are currently and are doing an amazing job with the Lord's help. I am unbelieveably grateful to have their examples before me and to know that I can call them in tears or laughter, sharing the burden of motherhood with people that understand and can offer support. I am blessed to have mommy-friends that can tell me if it's normal for my kid to have such and such a problem or how to deal with situation-X.

And have I mentioned what an amazing husband I have? I cannot. for one minute. imagine going through pregnancy without the incredible support Kyle is. He has sacrificed and given and blessed me throughout each phase of this - through new aches and pains, fears and worries and me sobbing about silly things. I know he is going to be an awesome dad and will help me so much with this transition. I hope the Lord blesses him abundantly for all he does to provide and protect and love our family. He's a gem.

Now....I think I need to make some cookies before the two of us go see a movie this afternoon. Cookies sound really, really good right now. And it will pass SOME time while...........we................wait.............

the good ol' days

I miss people blogging on xanga! I definitely appreciate facebook, but I miss updates of more than one sentence, comments on posts, people sharing deep thoughts that God has given them and pictures intertwined with stories.

So props to you that still do and a kick in the pants to those that don't anymore. Also - if I subscribe to you, I read you, even if I don't comment all the time. Thanks for sharing your lives with me, faithful xangans.

then and now

 4th of July 2007

with my family at the Stewarts

4th of July 2009    

with my parents at our house (sorry for the crappy photo - the sun was just too bright, obviously) Nate is at Fort Bragg in the Army, Josh is at Warm Beach Camp and Jackson is about to make his appearance. How different could life be?

We had a nice celebration this year, though it was strange without a trip to the Puelstons for fireworks at their neighbor's, both of my brothers gone, being hugely pregnant and Kyle working for a second 4th in a row. Next year, we'll be chasing around a little 1 year old Jack-man and hopefully I'll look more like my top photo again. I wonder what other changes will take place in the span of a year?

Even though lots has changed, we still live in a free nation with liberties and happiness that is not afforded the inhabitants of the whole world. I am grateful for our independence, but even more grateful for the God whom I am dependent upon for every breath and moment. He is the One that holds the keys to true freedom and life abundant. Happy 5th of July! 

eating cheese on toast...merry happy day!

Today (well, yesterday - since I'm writing this at 12:20am) I went shopping/out with some of the best girlfriends evah on a sunny day in St. Paul. We just stopped wherever we wanted and found some great deals on cute clothes and amazing cheese. (Even if it did make the car smell like rotting fruit....cough*Brandy*cough.)  

I give a hearty shout out for Turnstyle and consigning clothes there - I took maybe 8 pieces in there earlier this spring and came out with $37 in store credit, which went toward some post-Jackson clothing that will be uber-nice.

Another little plug for a funky consignment shop on Grand Ave. in St. Paul called My Sister's Closet. WAY fun, rather upscale and a wicked cool vintage section. I kept thinking of laurathemagnificentvintage wearer while we were there. AND to top it all off, the storekeeper told me I looked FABULOUS for being one week from my due date. That made me feel fabulous, even if I was feeling a little wilted by that time of the day.

A great day was topped off with a fun meet-up with my dear mother to pick out fabric for a homemade Hooter Hider (yep - it's a pretty sweet nursing cover-up) and to eat some delicious food at The Good Earth. (I <3 that place - I would devour everything on the menu if I had the opportunity to eat there often.)

One last stop on my way home was at the Gap Outlet here in NB, where I had a mystery coupon to redeem. It was $5, $10, $15, $20 or $500 off your purchase - mine turned out to be $15! Apparantly that was the biggest one this store had redeemed yet - . My latest clothing mission is loose fitting tops that will work with post-baby flab and nursing, so I was happy to find two very nice shirts, one in teal and one in heather grey, that fit that bill. The best part? With my coupon, I paid all of 98 cents for them. So my "haul" today was 4 tops and a pair of designer jeans for a grand total of 98 cents out of my pocket. Gotta love it! (God is nice to me. )

Thanks for a fun day, Rosanna, Jes and Brandy - it helped so much to get out and be busy with you lovely chicas! Love you girls.

I have opened this window to write a blog post about six times over the past week, but never can come up with what I want to communicate (or else just want to rant about the uncomfortableness of the final stages of pregnancy - and who wants to hear that?!) so I just close it and go back to whatever I was doing previously. I've thought about blogging about the movie Gran Torino, but couldn't figure out a way to do it without totally spoiling the very superb ending. Hence the crickets chirping on this beloved blog o' mine.

I'll give it a go here in my sleep-deprived, hips hurt more in bed than on the couch state...and then probably go back to sleep for a couple hours. This is a new phenomenon of my "maternity leave pre-baby" life - I can sleep whenever I feel like it, go places whenever I want and do things with Kyle as much as I can when he is off or home. It sort of feels like I'm in the twilight zone though, since really I'm just kind of waiting around for Jack's birth and I know that life will be consumed by caring for him pretty much any day. Being in limbo is overrated - I feel a little like this is the calm before the storm of motherhood. The suspense is killing me!

I am enjoying the new mental space that not working at the chiro clinic affords. I'm very proud of my co-workers...they haven't called me ONCE to ask me where to find a file or what on earth they should do with _____ situation. It's kind of nice to know I'm not irreplaceable and that they are doing well without me. Now what I am supposed to do with this new mental space is a little beyond me - I've read nearly every natural birthing book known to English speaking people, cleaned and organized bits and corners of the house that weren't especially in need of it in the first place, worked on baby announcements (but still need to make the mailing list and print labels), planned and cooked freezer meals and have the Jacksonater's room all set to go (except for the bookshelf and changing table that have been commisioned but not finished by Papa Keith and Uncle Josh).

That was the last week and a half. What do I do with myself this week? (We are still almost 2 weeks till my "official" due date...which also means nothing at all.) My calendar for July is eerily blank...except for the tiny words due date penned on July 14 and a couple reminders of Kyle's work schedule. Funny how a baby eclipses all else in one's life for at least a time.

I am grateful to have had such an uneventful, healthy and otherwise pain-free and pleasant pregnancy. I'm now at the I'm just so huge I'm uncomfortable as can be stage, but up until even 2-3 weeks ago, I felt pretty awesome. Compared to many of my friends that have lost tooth enamel due to daily retching, or the ones that can't get to a chiropractor to care for their hips and low back, I have had an easy peasy lemon squeezy 9 months. The stretch marks, added weight and epic heartburn have not been a highlight, but thankfully almost all of those things will be solved by delivery.

So now I wait...rather impatiently, I must admit, for my son to come into the world and our "new normal" to begin. God has been reminding me of His great and precious promises to not leave me or give me more than His grace and goodness can get me through, along with words of courage and pressing on and being able to do anything through His strength. I certainly doubt my own ability to be a good mom, but I have full confidence that He who called me is faithful and will also do it. Gulp.